


My last goodbye

by ILoveMisha2



Series: The end [5]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Apocalypse, Dean's POV, Endverse, Hurt!Cas, No Smut, Suicide, Supernatural - Freeform, dean/cas - Freeform, related to my fic: the end of me started with you, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-10
Updated: 2014-11-10
Packaged: 2018-02-24 21:35:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2597192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ILoveMisha2/pseuds/ILoveMisha2
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>SEQUEL TO ' The end of me started with you' , if your curious as to what the letter had said and how Dean felt about it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My last goodbye

_Dear Dean,_

_I hope this letter keeps you warm at night like you used to keep me. Maybe it will suffocate you like I did to you. I think it will be the latter. Anyway, I thought that maybe you deserved an explanation for my permanent absence, not that it will bother you much. I suppose it’s because I loved you too much. I know you’ve hated me for some time now, but me being me still believed in what you used to be. Remember the day you beat me into nothing? Of course you were drunk though. I bet you were trying to forget me. Remember the weeks you visited me in the infirmary, telling me how sorry you were as you kissed my hand that was wrapped in yours because you were to ashamed to look at me? I bet you remember that one raid we went on when I was too high and accidently got two of our own killed, almost myself, and you were so pissed at me, then later that night you got drunk and you beat me again. Those moments hurt my heart more than my recovery did. I bet you remember every time I said “I love you” and you turned away without a word. I still loved you after all that, even after you opened me up and took me apart, neglecting to put me back together. I was never a good enough soldier to you and I’m so sorry for that Dean. I wanted to be the one to hold you down but keep you afloat. I wanted to be those stars we used to talk about. Do you remember the stars, Dean? I wanted to be the thoughts that ran through your head and the skin under your strong hands that you’d endlessly explore in wonder. I wanted my love to flow through your smile to the light in your eyes. I wanted to be the thing that filled the missing pieces of you and make you whole again. I remember when I used to be all that to you. Do you remember that, Dean? I bet you do and I bet you’re swallowing back every one of those memories like vomit fighting to rise in your throat because I make you sick now, but it’s okay, I promise. Remember all those promises you made me? Remember all the times you swore you’d have my back? I do. I need you to understand I don’t hold anything against you. That this mess was me. I tried to force you to love me again. I tried to force you into a world that barely existed. Just don’t be ashamed or feel guilty about what happened between us. I think I know why now. Why you turned away from us and left me. I think it was because you were trying to protect us from falling any more than we already had, but, Dean the day I pulled you from hell I was falling. For you. I know you take responsibility for my fall but please don’t. You can let me go now. You can forget about me and my broken wings. I’ll no longer be another burden you have to carry. I hope that you do forget, honestly. My falling was my own doing and you couldn’t shelter me from myself. You couldn’t have known that we’d turn into strangers. I thought that maybe if I tried harder it would all come back, that you’d come back to me, but I also realized that I had left too. I left and I tried to pretend I didn’t and that must have been hell for you. Maybe if I hadn’t turned to drugs for the warmth you left me without, or maybe if I hadn’t checked out things might’ve been different. I remember the last day we had together while we were still us, five years ago, we were on top of the impala’s hood and those stars you loved so much made me realize something. They made me see exactly who we were and what we had. That moment, that was us. I knew that’s who we were supposed to be. Somehow I knew you felt that too. Whenever I miss you, especially when you’re right in front of me, I think of that moment. When I had no doubts of who I was and what I wanted. No matter what you did I always saw you as that man who looked at the stars with me, who looked at me and not through me. I saw them, the stars, so clearly in your eyes and I heard them in your words, I saw them caress your lips as they fluttered down to vine around your hands that were intertwined with mine. It’s funny how you can miss something so much, even when the memories won’t leave you alone or let you sleep. Even when you left me, you really didn’t because I always had you, always. The stars made me realize how much I loved you, I know you saw something in those stars too, I just don’t know if what you saw was the reason you left me the way you did. I also know that if you could open up again you would. I’ll never stop seeing those stars on you, Dean. I didn’t stop seeing them when the lights went out. I didn’t stop seeing them as they fell from your eyes. I didn’t stop seeing them when they left your soul forcefully. I realized they were never in the sky because they were always you, and even though it killed us, I swear we lived. I lived more than I had a right to. I hope this letter doesn’t make you upset. I couldn’t stand to see the stars fall again. I hope you remember our profound bond we once shared because I can’t forget it and it kills me, but not as much as you have. You became my personal winter but it didn’t bother me much because I made myself believe I still had you. With me gone you won’t have to be the winter anymore, Dean. I can set you free, you can let go and so can I. it’s okay. I realized I was just holding you back and being a liability. I still remember when things were good though and I hope my death will make things good for you again. I hope my death will renew you so you can live without the poison of my touch. I guess this is goodbye, I know how much you hate goodbyes’ and that’s why I neglected one face-to-face. I couldn’t stand to see your reaction but I also couldn’t stand it if you didn’t have one. I have to do this to save you. I can’t cripple you anymore. I have to let you and my non-existent future go. I have to let this life go. I hope you don’t mind I used your favorite gun, it only seems fitting since I used to be your favorite. Since it’s your gun, it’s almost as if you had pulled the trigger for me. Maybe I’ll imagine it’s you, maybe I’ll pretend that you’re walking me to the gates yourself. For whatever it’s worth I love you, forever. Goodbye, Dean._

_Love, Cas_

****************************************

Tears escape as the letter slipped out of my fingers like his life as I looked at his lifeless body again, as I looked at my angel again. The world still went on without hesitation but I couldn’t. How could this happen? How could I be so cruel? I needed him, of course I did. he was all I had left when Sam said yes to Lucifer. I sat with him, his head that was matted with blood in my lap. When my fingers skimmed the bullet whole I felt every touch I denied him, every word I should have said, every smile of his I’d never see again, and the blue eyes I’d never see light up, ever. I was too little too late. All the memories flooded me in an instant as each sob broke free, refusing the reality of things. This was my fault, that much was clear. I pushed him away, to this point, when I should have brought him closer. Of course I remembered those damn stars. I looked at them every night and remembered those moments we once had. How could I forget? He was right, that was us, and that’s who I should’ve been. How could I forget the sin filled nights? And now there was no way I could forget this night. The night I came to apologize and right my wrongs. The night I was going say “I love you” back. I had two choices. I could leave his cabin and him to be the leader I was supposed to be and protect my people or I could give Cas the only thing I could now. Company. It’s the only way to show him I love him, that I couldn’t live without him because I can’t. My favorite gun makes the choice for me as I notice its shine in the dark. The blood on it is Cas’. Soon I know it will be mine. Maybe I can still say “I love you”. Hopefully this time I won’t be too late.

**Author's Note:**

> please let me know how i'm doing. i kinda feel like my writing is disappointing people. if it is or isn't please let me know.


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